self care with two minis at home

Self care

It’s not all pedicures and happy hours with friends. Sometimes it’s just resting and saying no. I have always loved those pampering type things. I’ve taken self care and self love very seriously ever since I became a mom but even more so as I was battling post partum depression and anxiety.

As a mom of young kids, when you really don’t have another choice but to put your kids first because you shame yourself if you do or you’re just too stinkin’ tired. I get it, but when I switched gears and put myself on that priority list, it was a game changer. Self care looks so different for everyone, it’s different in each season but it’s always important. You are important. Often we shove our needs aside to please others, because we’ve glamorized “being busy” or because we think we have to do something that costs money. Trust me, I love a good spa day with Prosecco included and I often do those things if finances and sitters are available to me.

◦ I also love the free things too or things after my babes go to sleep. My husband works 12 hour days usually and often out of town. I work 3 days a week, so getting a sitter to go get a pedicure isn’t always on my radar. But I’ll make a point of putting my phone down during baby naps and take that nap too, read a book instead, listen to a podcast, do an online workout or yoga video. In those months of feeling depressed, scrolling endlessly through people’s highlight reels, didn’t help me with my self love, I’ll say that!

You’re going to think I am cheesy but affirmations, saying things over and over makes you believe them. It’s science, I think! So instead of, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a terrible mom”, “I’m too tired” day in and day out. Try waking up and whispering to yourself or as you brush your teeth, “I can make a choice today to care for myself”, “I’m tired but I’m going to choose to ______ today” and if it’s “I am tired and I’m going to leave my dirty dishes and nap with my baby today”. Heck yes! Do that, that’s one of my favourite things to do, look at my mess and think that’s nice, it’ll be there later.

For me this year, 2019, the year my babies will turn 2 and 6. They still need me so much but I also need me. So I’ve been mindful of what I can do to be a better mom, wife and person. Often it’s facials, getting my hair blown out and happy hours with friends, often it’s a yoga class, meditating or a quiet walk along the river. However, these days it’s often been choosing what and who I commit my time to. Choosing to be passionate about something but still saying no, because ultimately it may not serve my life and will take away from my kids. Choosing to cut out or limit my time with negative/toxic people, people I’ve outgrown or nonchalantly just don’t have time for because I am raising two humans that in the kindest way possible are sucking all of the things out of me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, fill your cup, fill it so it overflows, so you can fill theirs too and I’m not just referring to your kids. Fill your cup so you can fill your husbands cup, your friends, your whole dang village.

when the 4th trimester feels like it will last a lifetime: my post partum journey

Most of us feel guilty even on the best of days, “did I say I love you enough today?”, “I shouldn’t have yelled at my kids”, “maybe I should’ve read another book like he asked”. We’ve all had those thoughts. It took awhile for me to realize that my thoughts and feelings weren’t “normal” and I wasn’t feeling like myself or acting like the mom I wanted to be. Odin was about 2 months old when I realized the feelings that had been creeping up since his birth weren’t quite right and these feelings continued on for more days, weeks and months than I’d like to admit before I reached out to a counsellor, before I became an advocate for my own self care and self love.

“I’m such a shitty mom”, “I should just get in the car and leave, they would be so much better off without me”, “this baby is a stranger and I don’t like being his mom”. I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to hurt my baby but when those thoughts spiralled, I felt like I wanted to escape the endless cycle of nursing, rocking, waking, crying. With a lump in my throat as I type, I hated this time that was meant to be “wonderful and magical”. When you are walking through post partum anxiety and depression, the thoughts are so irrational and scary but completely out of your control. It lies to you about what kind of mom and wife you are and it robs you of your joy.

I never thought it was magical, was I grateful? Did I praise God? Oh heck ya, but when the anxiety or PPD kicked in. I was a different person. The scary part is, as I talk about it now as a mom of a 16 month old, people say they had no idea. Mental health issues aren’t exposed, we fight them inside.

It’s an absolutely beautiful gift to be a parent, we wished, chose, tried for a year and prayed for these boys but in that first year, I often wondered why. I wondered why mothers continued to do it over and over again. I wondered why God would give me an incredibly challenging baby and sprinkle post partum depression on my journey too.

Post partum depression and anxiety is terrifying. It eats at you and in those late hours as you hear your husbands faint breath beside you while a beautiful baby is snuggled into your boob as you give him life, it’s bittersweet. It’s astonishingly amazing, beyond words but it’s raw (the nipples too!), it’s hard and exhausting. You’ve became a new person and feel like you’ll never be that woman before pregnancy. It’s lonely, I have a village and a half, a rockstar husband and friends who love my boys as much as I do but in those hours, through those many wakings. I felt alone, scared and shameful. “How could I hate this?”, “What a monster I must be”, “What is wrong with me?”

It’s okay to not love every second of this parenting thing and it’s okay if you do think it’s your calling and the most magical thing in the world. Its absolutely okay to leave your dishes piled up and to not “have it all together”, but it’s so not okay to put yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually + emotionally) as #25 on the list of priorities. I’m the advocate for my kids health and wellbeing, so why shouldn’t I do the same for ourselves? It’s hard to dig yourself out of the trenches, hard to push the lies and demons aside, brush your teeth and get up out of bed, I get it but mama, let those feet hit the floor each morning knowing that God chose you to be those kids mama. He wants you to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of them. Reach out for help, get a sitter, take the meds, do yoga, quiet your mind somehow, take the nap with your baby (the dishes will be there when you wake up), do what you have to do to survive those fleeting, amazing years with your small human(s).

Fill your cup, so it’s overflowing, fill your cup so you can fill theirs.

the transformation from Husband to Dad

You don’t know what your husband will be like as you move from a couple to a family. You don’t even know how you’ll be as a parent. Maybe you have a gut feeling, my intuition told me Eric would be a good dad. I didn’t want children before I met my husband, but I knew if that day ever did come that I wanted two boys (I’m serious guys!), minis of my husband.

In the thick of post partum depression, when Odin was about two months old, I sat with a table of women at a morning coffee group and shared how I can see how kids and that chaos could destroy a marriage if you let it. It could slowly fall apart, I began to question more and more how our lives would be playing out if I didn’t have the most helpful and supportive husband in existence. This post might be a bit biased but I’ll accept it because my husband is killin’ this dad thing.

As women often do when they’re singing praises, I felt guilty that morning saying that it was the best time for me and my husband. We had connected in so many ways. Watching my husband transform to Dad, to a dad of two opened up vulnerable little corners that I had hidden away. He handled my yelling, my crying, my anxieties and fears with so much grace. He loved me when I was weak, when I felt fat, when I felt like I was a walking milk machine. It’s easy for us as moms to feel like we are the best at taking care of our babies and in many ways, we are. In my own experience, if I may gently offer some advice:

⁃ Once Odin became more efficient at nursing around the 4-5 month mark, I reassured Eric that unless babe had a boob in his mouth, there’s nothing I can do that he can’t

⁃ Sleep in! We alternated weekends, but my husband doesn’t care so much about sleeping in so usually I’d sleep in an hour or so

⁃ Your little one will be okay without you to get an extra long shower in, go for a walk, grab a coffee with a friend, do something that fuels you

⁃ Prioritize your family, “you’re going to see less of the boys” and don’t wait for her to ask for help but if she does, always say yes. – Eric’s advice

I often think of the words I heard in a pod cast recently. “I 100% rationalized wanting to sleep on the couch, away from the baby. I wanted to sleep somewhere I wouldn’t be woken up. My sleep was more worthy because it was associated with making money than her sleep was being associated with keeping a human alive. Now I wish I could go back in time and be more gracious and a more supportive husband, instead of getting my beauty rest” Wow.

Thank you for appreciating me as much as I appreciate you. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for letting me sleep in. Thank you for sleeping on the couch because we both agree that “it’s a season and Odin is only small for a short time”. Thank you for working so hard for us and constantly keeping your family first. Thank you for doing this crazy life with me and the boys. To a husband and a dad, I love you.

Homeschooling-ish

Cody turned 5 December 14th 2018 and in so many ways he’s ready for school but in so many ways he’s not, mostly I’m not ready. Sometimes it feels selfish, but I just want more time with him. We want him to be free, we want him to explore, we don’t want him to feel like he needs to mold into a box. We aren’t “holding him back” and I despise that term. Last fall, my mama heart told me that I wanted Cody to be a kid to his fullest and that meant being home with us. A place where he can play, while eating snacks in his underwear whenever he wants, going outside when he wants and have the energy for sports and classes. I am still not quite ready for him to face the big world but we will see what this fall holds for us. I just want to protect you baby boy.

Homeschooling is such a personal choice for me and by no means do I look down on public, private, forest, whatever school. We are actually on a wait list at Langley Christian + meeting with Surrey Christian for an interview in the next couple of weeks. Fingers crossed for Surrey Christian. We chose homeschool because we didn’t know if we were coming or going. We had hoped this summer to buy a little piece of property in 100 mile area, but God has put some other goals and dreams in our lives. We’ve decided to stay in the Langley area for a few more years and continue with RV life.

Our days aren’t scheduled into set “school time”. If there is a schedule, it is with a play date. It is with stay + play, breakaway at the church we attend, or strong start. I try to be intentional but many days I fail. We aren’t an activity book family, we are a learn as we go family. We had a “school sched” for a New York minute and I quickly let that expectation go.

We are having fun, it’s kindergarten, we don’t take it too seriously. He’s constantly learning because that’s what 5 year olds do, days of baking zucchini muffins and frying eggs is like 3 subjects in one. I’ll take it! Cody is an extremely active boy, he’s chatty and doesn’t love being alone. Our days are spent walking the trails in Fort Langley, talking about God’s creations, examining the leaves and talking about rivers and oceans. We talk about the people who walked the trails before us.

It’s been hard, I often pray to God asking if me made a mistake by putting this on my heart. Like, maybe you meant for this journey to be for another hot mess, holistic, hippy mom at the campsite? I want a “break” more often than I care to admit and I prioritize self care daily. It’s been a blessing to have him around, day in and day out because before I know it, he’ll be walking across the stage accepting a graduate diploma.

If it’s in your means and you want to homeschool, unschool, forest school, whatever school your kids. Mama, just do it and do it with minimal expectation but knowing that you’re giving your kids a gift.

Raising two rambunctious boys in 350 square feet

I asked my husband in spring of 2017 what he thought of us “going minimalistic”, getting rid of 90% of our things and moving into an RV with our 3 year old and our next little happy tolkamper. You’ll learn that he is even more adventurous and more of a dreamer than I even am. He didn’t even blink before saying “yes please!” He’s also way more frugal than I am so the thought of not paying $2000 a month for a 2 bedroom town house sounded awesome to him too!

Shortly after we decided we were going to take the leap of faith, which in all honesty, it wasn’t hard for us. I had two moments in my days of nesting where I thought “is our baby going to think we are hippy weirdos and am I going to regret not having a Pinterest worthy nursery?” and also, my wedding pictures!? We bought a 1992 motor home, fully gutted it and put our loving touches on it. It was adorable! But it also had a couple of small leaks and the only doors were to exit and for the bathroom, we now have bedroom doors! We traveled through BC that summer with the destination of Whitehorse, Yukon Territory to visit Eric’s big bro.

On November 24th, 2017 we brought Odin Izak home to our small 1992 motor home in Fort Langley, BC to Brae Island Campsite. Amidst all of the birthing a human chaos we had put a deposit on a new 5th wheel trailer. A couple of days after our Odi bear was born we moved into what has been our home on wheels for the past year and a half. We adore this space and the lifestyle even more. We have minimal toys, minimal clothes, minimal cleaning and chores. We don’t have space for “quiet/alone” time and by we, I mean I. Which may lead you to wonder, because I would be wondering, where does any intimacy happen? TMI alert but we’ll say that our kitchen rug is not only for decor. Not having a space to “breathe” has definitely served as a challenge during my time of post partum depression but that’s a whole other post. We don’t have a laundry or dishwasher machine. We need to unplug things to use other things. There has been sacrifices but there has been so many gains, so many learning experiences.

My favourite part is how much time we spend outside, rain or shine we need that fresh air and that space. Cody, my oldest son is just like me that he loves the beauty of nature, the sun shining on just the tip of a mountain as it sets and the calm of the river at night. Odin’s 14 months so he just loves any adventure we put him up to. We currently homeschool Cody very loosely for kindergarten with an online Christian program because well, I guess we are transients with no fixed address. We want our boys to be free, to experience nature, to experience life outside of the walls the world creates for us.

I cannot wait to see what this summer has in store for us since last summer was a little different with our memories being made being parked at Grandpa Joe and Grandma Audrey’s. Summer 2019 will be one for the books!

We have a few small, local trips planned. We will visit my mama + grandma in Hope, BC. We are going to the place Eric proposed (Osoyoos, BC) for a week and we hope to get down to Portland. Our goal was to do RV life for a year but we love it so much we plan to stay in it for a couple of more years. This isn’t a forever plan because we will blink and have two teenage boys but until then…we will be crossing travels off of our summer bucket list, what’s on yours?

What adventure gets your heart racing?